I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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