I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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