After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
