dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
