Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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