South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
