Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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