apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
