the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
