once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
3 2 1 whiskey
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
