Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
