maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize