I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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