i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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