when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he was CRYING into my vagina
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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