you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
