I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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