So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
