i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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