my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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