Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
