I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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