Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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