I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
