is your mom at the bar?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize