i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize