dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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