i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
