my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
