He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
