The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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