my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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