woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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