last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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