yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
