she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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