I just found puke in my bra..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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