They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
