I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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