True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
