I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
