Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
