i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
