What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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