I puked a lego.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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