I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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