I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
