I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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