I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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