After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
