So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I have fence marks all over my body
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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