i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
