Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
